Life can be (a) dream

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November 25, 2025 - Cat got your job?

I am laying on a mat on the floor. There is a cat on my foot, and a laptop on my lap. From my miserable spot on the floor, I can see that the AC is clearly coming off the wall and that the top corners of the paint are cracking. My stomach feels tense and tight, and I'm fairly sure I started tearing up an hour ago.

Yesterday, I laid under the blankets in bed as a cat sat on my chest. My laptop balanced awkwardly on my legs, and I heard a guy moaning through the ceiling. I thought I was just pretending to cry for dramatic effect at first, but I started crying and hyperventilating for real ten minutes later.

I'm sure tomorrow will be more of the same. I'm supposed to be doing homework, but I really can't make myself do a damn thing. I read for a little bit, but I lost focus and got confused once Shatov said atheism is healthier than Roman Catholicism. Then I started the slideshow I have to finish before Monday, but I ended up changing the colors of gradients instead of making a proper outline. I finally decided I needed to make something of my own in order to try and recover, so I cracked the closet open to let in some light and wrote 18 words until a certain devil cat decided to tear open random junk in the closet. I gave up and went to bed. I know I had more strange dreams, but I can't remember them as well as the ones from the night before where I missed my graduation or where I finally got a score back on my most recent exam. I have four big projects that haven't been graded yet, too. I have an even worse project to finish, and I have to figure out Christmas gifts.

Graduation is in two weeks. Everyone keeps saying I'll do something great, but then they ask what I'll do once I graduate, and I genuinely have no clue. I wanted to program! Everyone says I'm good enough at it and should be able to get a job without a problem, but I don't see how to compete. And, besides, watching a real programming job hasn't been a pleasant experience, and I have enough fun at my job right now. When I say I just want to do that forever, someone feels the need to imply that I can do better than helping destructive kids with their tech, and I want to strangle them. What good is their job in comparison to mine? Don't we need people that don't mind repetitive work? Who else will do it? Is a career all that's left to do anymore?

Once I graduate, I want to lay in bed for two weeks straight. I wanted to learn to play the drums at first, but then I realized I had to buy drums. Then I wanted to learn to play the viola, but then I realized I'd have to get lessons. What if I just read and sleep? That seems low effort enough. I don't want a job, and I don't want to get a master's, and I don't want to pack and move, and I don't want to write, and I don't want to take photos, and I don't want to find anything I'd even want to do.

Really, I just need a bit more energy before I can even try to figure out what I want to do. I'm not really this demotivated or passive. I just want a true break.