Life can be (a) dream

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November 11, 2025 - A reason to be (a website)

I have constantly wanted a website ever since I understood what a website was.

My first site must have been started when I was around 11 years old, and has been entirely lost to time. It was about as bad as you'd expect, but I had fun. The site name was something about me being a procrastinator, and I'm fairly sure there was purple and pink all over the whole thing. The only post I really remember writing was one about the overuse of "actually", where I wrote it about 20 times over in three paragraphs to really nail my point in. My mom was my biggest fan. Thank you, mom. The second site was just a bad Wordpress site started two years later meant to tell silly stories that I didn't want to forget. I still have a deep hatred of Wordpress from that.

The third site is when stuff got serious. I think I started working on it when I was 17 or so. It started off pink and cutesy, but stuff very quickly went sideways, and the site turned into an edgy mess. It was, however, my longest-lasting site to date. It had quite a few posts, went through several major styling changes, and probably had enough info to dox me five times over. But it was mine! And it was wonderful until I started being unable to open it without cringing at everything I wrote. I mean, of course it was bad! Nothing vaguely related to high school can ever be taken seriously! And nothing changed at all, since that one also had pink and purple all over it!

Why do I want a website so much? I am not sure. I think I want some sort of public record. I have a journal already, and that journal gets at least a couple thousand words in it each month. But if I only wanted a journal, I wouldn't have gone through the trouble of setting all of this up. I have a feeling that I just want to learn how to show work to the public. I can barely show anyone anything that I've made. Showing anyone any of my fictional writing makes me shrivel up into a ball and rot. I can't show my own friends my code, and if they bully me into it, I can't help but insult my own work the whole way through. It's extremely hard on me, but I realize that this is not good in the long run.

If I put those together, then maybe I just want to be okay with having a public record in the first place. I want to see that when I upload something with a few typos, the world doesn't end. Even if I structured everything wrong and need to fix it all the next few days, the world is not on fire.