Life can be (a) dream

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April 22, 2026 - Destruction of the self

I want to destroy the self. This is because the self eats everything around it alive. When the self talks to someone, it only thinks of what it wants to say back. When the self hears that someone is doing bad, it thinks of how it felt when it went through the same. How horrible is it for the first reaction to someone else's misfortune to be what the self thinks of itself in relation to that misfortune, rather than what it can do about their misfortune? The self feeds off of attention and connecting every topic in the world to itself. The lives of others are made meaningless, and the thoughts of the self must be the whole of reality.

Why am I distancing the self from the host? Because it must be! Else, the self will become convinced that it is the whole host. The self will tell itself that it is everything good in the host. It will say that it was responsible for all of the host's accomplishments and best qualities, and refuse to let any other part take credit. It is the self that will congratulate itself for its work, but it is the host that put in the time to finish the work. Really, it is the self that convinces itself that the work even matters in the first place.

The self, as absorbed as it is with itself, only forms its opinions from what it imagines other people might think. The whole self is formed from false perceptions and imaginations! The self has no substance of its own! It follows the imaginary good without understanding why, and then it creates fake reasons to convince the host that this must be right!

I sometimes imagine a life without the self causing so many problems, and I imagine it to be more peaceful. If it didn't need so much attention and care, then my head would be so much clearer! But then, I just worry that it is the self that is so obsessed with this feeling of peacefulness, and that striving for peacefulness in the self will only make me more dependent on listening to how the self feels.